I haven’t written much lately. I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve been grumpy and impatient and tired. I don’t want to be around myself. Nobody else wants to, either. I’m finding myself closing in, not wanting to do things with friends. I’m worried about the economy, about making ends meet, about what’s going on in the world. (And since I typically live on Planet Kelly, a secluded alternative world unaffected by international news or current events, that’s saying something.) People tell me it’s understandable; I’m under a lot of stress. My mom has cancer; my old house has been on the market for 18 month with no offers; my workload is heavy and I have a lot of responsibility. On top of that, I’ve read a couple books lately that sparked a bad attitude about church. I love my church and I love God and there’s no reason in the world to stay away, but I’m finding myself pulling back. I’ve let a belligerent attitude seep into all areas of my life, and I find myself eschewing obligation, avoiding my duties, and resenting things that used to bring me joy. My attitude has rubbed off on some friends, or theirs have rubbed off on me, or a little of both, because every time I see anyone it seems to turn into a gripe session. So what’s going on?
God’s been trying to tell me, but I’ve been in such a funk I haven’t heard him. Until enough people told me in enough different ways that it finally got into my thick skull.
My pastor, Nathan, mentioned that when the natural isn’t working, we need to turn back to the supernatural. Of course. It’s so simple, but we make it complex. But the truth is, I’m not relying on God. I heard about a sermon in which the minister declared that sheep aren’t supposed to be pack animals. It’s not for us to carry. A scripture that is oft quoted to me pops to the surface: My yoke is easy and my burden is light. So if it’s heavy, I have to assume it’s either not of God, or I haven’t really handed it over to Him to carry for me. Cast all your cares upon the Lord, we sing in a worship song. And lastly, someone tonight quoted another Scripture: Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts. Nothing works as long as we’re the ones doing the work, as long as we’re trusting in our own power and abilities, as long as we believe we are able to do it on our own. The minute I try to do it on my own, I’m withdrawing my trust from God. I’m not relying on Him for my daily bread. Manna is only good for that day; we can’t store it up or it will rot. He has new blessings waiting for us tomorrow, so there’s no reason not to take what is being offered today. And what he’s offering me today, and every day: to carry the weight of this world’s burdens. To lift them off my hunched shoulders and effortlessly hoist them onto His strong ones. To do the impossible, to do the tiresome, to do the weighty, boring, overwhelming. To do the large and small things both. To do the things I want to do, and the things I don’t want to do. To lend me His might, and His power, and His strength, and His kindness, so that I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. He has promised, and He is faithful.